With all the bad news coming out of The University of Akron lately, we all need a good laugh. And that’s what we got when the ad below went up on craigslist earlier this evening. The post was short-lived, though; craigslist took it down quickly.
Luckily, I had already copied the text and saved the entire ad as a PDF, so here it is. Please share widely. Wouldn’t it be lovely it if went viral?
The University of Akron for Sale (Akron)
It is with a heavy heart I have to share with you all that the University of Akron will be closing. I take no great pride in this but please know I’ve done all I can. By eliminating the baseball team, closing facilities, outsourcing dining, laying off employees, and refusing to put a watchable football team on the field, we have done all we can. All we can short of adding ‘fees’ to upper level courses, gave that a shot and it didn’t pan out.
With this in mind I want you to know that the Board of Trustees and I, President Scott Scarborough, will be fine. With the sale we will ensure that our salaries are paid in full for the foreseeable future.
Now, while this is sad news for many of you I want to point out for the business savvy this is GREAT news. With a property located around Downtown Akron there are a multitude of options! Maybe you want to open a hotel or department store downtown? We own property that would be great for those needs. Maybe you want to start a semi-pro football team, we’ve got the space. Maybe you want to start your own university or technical college, our accreditation has lapsed so you will have to figure that out but sure, why not! Maybe you’re an established school (Kent, Cleveland State, Ohio State?) that wants a new branch campus, let’s talk. This property could certainly be whatever you desire!
E.J. Thomas Hall – This Hall recently celebrated forty-two great years, that didn’t stop me from showing up with campus police to close the facility and lay off the employees! Don’t worry, this hall is still in great shape with all the decor you loved from the 70’s (the last time we invested in it!). Here you can bring in crowds of up to 3,000, for smaller crowds lower those magnificent ceilings to provide an intimate feel.
Quaker Square – This former Quaker Oat Facility turned hotel turned Residence Hall has some great history. Or at least I assume it does, I didn’t bother learning about it in my short time here. Either way, they’ve got a banquet hall, rooms, and a few shop spaces so check it out. Also, it’s the fourth tallest building in the city!
Bulger Hall – Speaking of tall buildings here’s another one! This is the 11th tallest building in the city and home to many future homeless students. Don’t worry, we already fired their staff. The kids will figure it out soon enough.
Goodyear Polymer Center – Eighth tallest building in the city! Home to science. It’s so valuable I wanted to ensure that if we survived long enough to become a tech school ‘Poly’ was involved in one of the words!
Buchtel Hall – Now this building has my office in it, and I’m keeping it. Have you seen my office? It’s great.
Infocision Stadium – This stadium has only seen a handful of wins and a handful of people since opening day. Opened in 2009 due to the fact that we confused football with futbal it has hardly been used. Like new condition.
Cub Cadet Field – Home to the National Champion Zips but could be used for your little league soccer tournaments, you’ll notice how good the grass is. The grass was grown and transported from out of state, from an area that had similar weather to Ohio! I heard T2 with the Portland Timbers is willing to take care of our team once they’re disbanded. God Bless you Caleb Porter.
We’re looking for $40,000,000 obo on this property. Trades too. Since I moved here I’ve really got into the Black Keys and would love to trade the campus for an El Camino.
President S. Scarborough
- do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers